Monocle

They say that people who have suffered brain damage and lost the ability to speak can still swear because bad words are stored in a primitive part of the brain. In other words, if you want to remember someone’s name, then put a Fuc@ing memory tag on it. Assign an equivalent cuss word to a new person’s name and you are likely not to forget that bastard’s name.

I feel sorry for Nancy Pelosi, having to sit behind Bush during his State of the Union address. She was reading a comic book. Occasionally, she would clap if enough people clapped. But for the most part, she probably wished she hadn’t forgotten the piano wire.

Q: What is George Bush’s definition of a recession?

A: When Congress is out on vacation.

For this posting, I will default to the article I wrote on the WriterlyPause. Check it out.

Please give seating priority to pregnant women, women with young children, the elderly and crack addicts.

Bury all your wealth

Below my tamarind tree.

It is for your health

that you listen to me.

Leave the city.

Leave everything in waste.

Never show pity.

make haste! make haste!

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They should make thermometers that tune into a radio station

106.7 (Power 106) means you are too hot. All the girls simply adore the hip-hop and hot air that surround you.

104.3 (KBIG adult contemporary) This is still pretty warm when it comes to disco night. You have a Saturday Night Fever. To reduce your temperature, change out of them tight fitting polyester pants.

98.7 (Star FM) This is the right temperature you want to be if you are a metrosexual a-la Ryan Seacrest. All five songs here are mainstream and flavorless.

89.9 (KCRW NPR) If the thermometer starts playing this station and some boring author is discussing his novel on Booksense, then don’t bother going to the hospital. You are already dead.

I received this advance reader’s copy of Alex and the Ironic Gentleman the other day. Read the first 50 pages and I must say, this book is extremely well-written. Will finish it soon. Adrienne’s use if ironic description, the way she undercuts a list of details with a witty verbal jump is very pleasing. It has my stylistic stamp of approval. And you know I’m serious when you consider all the other cynical reviews I’ve posted. Fans of Lemony Snicket and Alice in Wonderland will love this one.

Why don’t companies just come clean in their commercials?

Microsoft: As mediocre as we want to be.

Walmart: As if you had a choice.

McDonalds: Home of the McJob

Waste Management: We know how to glamorize

And finally,

I’m tired of those Kaiser Permenante radio commercials “thrive…thrive…” It’s so annoying, that lady who sounds like an HMO administrator trying to act cool and humane -the fakest attempt yet of a corporation trying to mimic compassion. You know what I’m talking about when you hear that over-the-top-in-your-face family values, proletarian, life cherishing voice. And there’s always an attempt at a clever play on words, so as to say that HMO’s are people too, with meaningful and creative things to say to brighten our day.

Well, here’s my version of how the words should have been played:

“We like to be Californians when advertising in California. We like to help you think your prescription is half full instead of mostly empty. We want you to pay more for less each year because we have to show a profit. We like to turn down unnecessary hearing operations so that you can turn up your hearing aid. Are you listening? We like to think what goes around, comes around, but generally don’t want to see your face around, but we’ll gladly take your money. If you stay too long we’ll cut it short. We’ll hire a cab and dump you in skid row, downtown, and throw in a free hospital gown -but we’ll keep the clothes on your back. So try to hide that crack pipe in your butt crack and look up at the glassy skyscrapers and we’ll look down with an upside down frown {playful robotic laughter of the spokeswoman breaks out}. We want you to work hard for every penny of your health benefit. We are Kaiser Permenante. And we want to see you strive…”